She was still half-dreaming amongst her crayon-themed decor when her mother came into her room. Grandpa didn't make it. And Chloe dreamt of the pool where Miss Laura taught her to swim during the summer. Grandpa had tried a no-breather and ended up standing up halfway through. He got bored, as she often did, and they went to watch birds, as he often did. He pointed out the cardinal and the blue jay. Much better than the brown morning doves they usually saw.
Of course she knew what dying meant. Chloe was five--not a baby like her sister. Grandpa was going to heaven. Grandpa was going to God. Chloe's mother dressed her in the red-and-white poofy dress with the flowers. Everyone was crying. Chloe twirled in her Mary Janes.
"Not today," her mother said.
Chloe didn't recognize Grandpa in the coffin. They shaved his beard. Chloe took note of the way Grandpa's hands were arranged and vowed never to sleep that way. She didn't want to die. She liked her hair.
Oh, I would have gotten my wish if I'd just scrolled down first! Anyway, I love all of these moments. I think the pacing could be slower, if you wanted. I also think I'd like to see Chloe with her sister at some point. I'm interested in why Chloe is so strong, and who she's being strong for.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Amelie that introducing the younger sister would be nice, though at the same time I'm not sure how it would contribute to the story as a whole. For me, it seems like this piece is about Chloe's childish ignorance of death. Most of the second paragraph sounds like the kind of thing that a kid would say to another kid to prove that she's not a child. I like what your piece is trying to do but I think it might be more effective if mention of the grandfather's death is removed altogether from the first paragraph so that we're just left with the dream sequence. That way in the second paragraph we get the impact of the of his death combined with the sort of dramatic irony that Chloe doesn't really understand what's happened.
ReplyDeleteHaha I also didn't realize that Chole was already part of a series! Again, I liked her presence in this piece. She is young, and it provides the piece with the lens of her naivety. However, the way she interprets death as sleep is interesting. Gives the piece a constant, focused subject and interpretation.
ReplyDelete